me.

2007-10-11T17:31:00.001+08:00

GETTING PAST THE PAST

It makes a world of difference.

MOVED.

2007-10-06T18:15:00.000+08:00

Abyss of negativity

I realise I won't let this just die, not just yet. Livejournal still looks bad. Haha. But I'll let it be until I feel like doing something to it.
Nanny diaries yesterday was quite okay. It was my first movie in three-days-to-two-months. Wasn't as touching as SECRET but still nice nonetheless :D It spoke of the rich and the poor. The contrast was evident. How her poor mother wanted her to be rich, yet she was seeing the ultra-rich people's lifestyles. And she had to be stuck in the middle. Oh, there was significant umbrealla too, although it's role was tiny. But it was it that helped her make her choice and decision.
Ahh, I feel crap and I think crap cause I just typed crap.

I'm in deep shit for Chinese. I want to lose the bet, please

2007-10-04T14:44:00.000+08:00

Simply lost interest in this. Oops.

Anyway, exams have been fine. As much as i know how many gazillion marks i left blank and/or didnt know how to do, I also know there's nothing I can do about it. So I simply cannot be bothered anymore (: But my conclusion is still this: Exams are fun :D And I mean it. Haha. How unfortunate, Chinese has to be on Monday, and of all days, Monday. I have low chances of passing, yet there's nothing i can do about it. And I can't exactly start partying or relaxing tomorrow since Chinese isn't over. Damned.

Anyway, I've created livejournal and am totally clueless. So while I'm trying to figure how to work the whole thing out, I think this shall just remain as dead as it was before (:

Toodles.

2007-08-20T17:23:00.000+08:00

EIGHTHAUGUST
Jie's birthday
Went walking around orchad with Grace and Carmen after school. Walked and walked and walked and walked. From somerset to Orchad. Then I took a train back to Somerset again to meet Kylie and Jie. Were supposed to watch Harry Potter- after a looong while since the show came out since we've all been busy. We didnt think many people would be as slow as us. But horror of horrors! The show was soldout -.- endd up watching Secret instead. It was grrrreat! I love the music! It inspired me to play better!

FIFTEENTHAUGUST
Jie was on OBS for the whole week.
Stupid Maths test. They thought I'd at least have some birthday luck. But a birthday doesnt mean better luck or better brains or whatever, trust me. Had thought I'd be counting down to 1508 doing maths. But I went to sleep instead. Met QingYing at Island Creamery with Jayme. Thanks for the cake :D Had lunch at Macs next door before heading back. Were at the void deck- playing BALL- for quite a while before my parents came to pick me for dinner. A simple dinner.

SISTEENTHAUGUST
Gaston's birthday
Kylie's and my plan failed. Woke up at eleven plus on 15th night. Wanted to be the first to wish him and for Kylie to pass him his present. W we ended up like some retards, especially Kylie since I asked her to sing a birthday sing and wake him up continuously. I tried doing my part through the phone. But he refused to budge! We spent about ten minutes amusing ourselves before deciding to hang up.

Your selflessness and my selfishness

2007-07-24T19:18:00.000+08:00

Trust; Degrees of betayal

Somehow, you always manage the back door

2007-07-18T17:04:00.000+08:00

We were strangers,
starting out on a journey
Never dreaming

what we'd have to go through
Now here we are,
and I'm suddenly standing,
at the beginning with you

No one told me
I was going to find you,
Unexpected
what you did to my heart
When I lost hope
you were there to remind me
this is the start

And life is a road
and I wanna to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
now and forever
a wonderful journey

I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
at the beginning with you

We were strangers
on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming
how our dreams would come true

Now here we stand
unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

And life is a road
and I wanna to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
now and forever
a wonderful journey

I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
at the beginning with you

I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothings gonna tear us apart

And life is a road
and I wanna to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
now and forever
a wonderful journey

I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
at the beginning with you

Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep going on
Starting out on a journey

Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep flowing
In the end I wanna be standing
at the beginning with you

The promises that were never once kept
Maybe i wanna stop being involved in your problems
It's taking a toll on me
I want, but I can't, Escape

2007-07-08T00:06:00.000+08:00

I see how attached they are and ask myself what went wrong with me

First there was home econs test last week. The FAT wooden spoon-or whatever it is called- was so FAT it couldnt go under my bread and i couldnt turn it around. SO, the very first side was totally black. She walked past me while I was preparing the second one and suggested I use a bigger bowl for the egg. But lazy me couldnt me bothered and simply threw the bread into the frying pan and the egg over it. It turned out the egg spilled over and I had fried egg instead-.- Then she was there helping Rachael with the spoilt blender and I had to scoop the fried egg out discreetly :x

One day, I forgot which, was at the void deck when I heard drilling noises but didnt see anyone drilling anything despite some workers being there and doing the tiles. Got home and realised it was coming from our toilet -.-

Just a couple of days ago, my file sort of burst. Reason being, I tried to stuff two inspirations side by side inside when it was already filled with papers -.-

Was taking the escalator up to the MRT platform this morning and heard a train arrive. One man started to run only when he was reaching the platform and when the train like closed the door. I thought to myself ' Isn't it too late that you run only now', and then I realise, it was my train tooo -.-

RETARDED.

Mylife's been pretty bad otherwise. I used to think it was easier to perform well with pressure and all, but I guess things have changed. There will be last minute work when lots of things have to be completed, while I go slacking when there arent, or rather, when nothing's due for the moment. I don't actually know what's going on. To put it simply, I can't do anything well, whatever the circumstance. It's pretty sad, it you think of it. Say, for example, this week. Did stuff and homework and, of course, had time to idle. But the maths sucked really bad while for physics, I'd be really glad if I can pass. Thought it was supposed to end at 0855 and not 0835, so didnt have time to complete ALOT of questions. And I mean ALOT. Well, I guess sad is not the best description to how I'm feeling. In fact, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel either.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I see me destroying me

GO GREEEENN! :D

2007-07-07T23:29:00.000+08:00

The loser of it all

I'm sorry,

I'm losing grip

On everything possible

2007-07-04T17:18:00.000+08:00

"You think you know the world you're living in. If you can feel it, and touch it, and smell it, and taste it, then it must be so. You tell yourself you'd bet on your life on the simple fact that the sky is blue. And then one day someone informs you emphatically that you're wrong"

2007-06-25T16:50:00.000+08:00

/Is it possible to not like someone you love

盼不到我爱的人
我知道我愿意再等
疼不了爱我的人
片刻柔情它骗不了人
我不是无情的人
却将你伤的最深
我不忍我不能
别再认真忘了我的人

离不开我爱的人
我知道爱需要缘分
放不下爱我的人
因为了解他多么认真
为什么最真的心
碰不到最好的人
我不问我不能
拥在怀中直到他变冷

爱我的人为我痴心不悔
我却为我爱的人甘心一生伤悲
在乎的人始终不对
谁对谁不必虚伪
爱我的人为我付出一切
我却为我爱的人流泪狂乱心碎
爱与被爱同样受罪
为什么不懂拒绝痴情的包围

I've decided to believe my Chinese is Bad, not HORRID.

2007-06-23T23:15:00.000+08:00

Just another fabrication

So i kept to my promise huh. Four weeks, like my longest break ever.

Was kept busy this holiday. Like totally free on only ONE day.

First week was mostly free. Except had to go out like everyday. Started on the homework, but somehow or rather decided to save some for the rest of the hols. And apparently. the plan failed :X

They trust me when I don't trust myself

Second week. Like pre-camp and ndp. Went out with grace while waiting for my sis to get dad's birthday present since was too lazy to go home. Haha, had fun walking around and trying out some stuff (:

Towards or against, I hate nevertheless

Third week. Slept at home for like only two nights. Stayed over at gaston&kylie's from Sunday night till wednesday. Had thought I would be continuing on the homework, but ended up doing the least bit of it. Like only a few sums here and there :/ Mostly slacked and had fun throughout :D We went swimming, played tennis(:- which makes me realise i LOVE tennis<3

Maturity comes in

Received the two letter I'd been expecting. I should say they were good news? I'm not sure either.

Sometimes it's fate. For others, luck just doesn't come everytime.

Camp went rather ohkay. PT made me feel fit(: except that I couldn't really eat after that :X Things went pretty well, I guess. What ever the case, it was a certainly memorable.

One word spoils it all

Last week. Made ba zhang on Sunday. Was funny, and i think it was better than last year's- cause i remember feeling pissed for some reasons forgotten. After that day, naturally, we all had dumplings for breakfast for the next few days.

You still see in me who I was before. But things do change

Monday. met qingying&jayme in the morning. Walked a distance from woodlands mrt to the netball court. Had some fun before heading back to Causeway. Studied abit at the library after lunch(: Walked around till we figured were too aimless and decided to head home. But they followed me to choachukang before going back to yewtee again (:

Still far from second best

Had a short two-day trip to Malaysia that Tuesday morning till Wednesday night. Gaston came along with us. Which reminds me, I have a song for kylie(:

Poor poor Kylie left in Singapore

Sent to CO camp oh,

left in Singapore.

But at least arrocding to her, the camp was better then previous ones.

First day was spent at Pulai Spring, since Dad had a golf game. So the four of us wondered around. Went to the gym, spa and swimming. Three of us were like kids once again at the slide- which was meant for children below 15(: We went up and down and tried many methods for sliding down. Haha! Thankfully the hotel, which was big and spacious, had Singapore channels. Could catch the second last episode of our show(: - okay, not that I really liked it cause it didnt seem to make sense, but Mum&Sis watched it and so I did. Haha. Second day was shopping. The nike shop seemed to have changed and i think it was nicer the last time :/ But we got our shoes. Spent most of the rest of the day in a shopping centre. Spotted a nike that i liked but she'd so many comments before i remarked it was nice. So forget it D: Couldnt find many things i wanted, but nevermind. We had a great time (:

The lies I soon believed

The next few days were spent trying to clear up some stuff, complete homework and attempts to start studying. Unfortunately, those didnt turn out right. I'm still un-prepared and I'm afraid ):

Fake it, till you make it

Ballet has been changed to Sundays for the time being because of ndp. Ms Chew's only other lesson our grade is at Joo Chiat CC every Sunday, and that's where I go. Basically, I started at the beginning of the holidays and it was quite a horrible start :/ It was the first time ever i was with a class I completely didnt know- not even one person. And just transferred to be the worst pupil. Like some weird freak. They are friendly, I guess. But it isnt easy for me. Their techniques, she says, are much better than ours, and i could see that clearly. I miss YMCA. I want to go back. I wish August comes fast ): Yukina, Vanessa, Anaya, Aida, Bridgette, Rui Ting, Henny, Julia, Sis&I. Great, at least I still remember all of them.

Wanted to post some pictures, but I have to go. Maybe next time, or maybe I never will.

In the end, memory yields

I know I will suck in Term 3. Having rested for a month, I'm still not prepared, I still haven't tried. I wish you would buck up, cause i lose motivation when you do ):

2007-05-25T18:05:00.000+08:00

/From a whole new perspective

Those tears hidden for long;

2007-05-25T10:49:00.000+08:00

I'll face myself

To cross out what i’ve become

Erase myself

And let go of what i’ve done

2007-05-17T17:00:00.000+08:00

perhaps it was a little too late.

i dont know how im supposed to feel now.
regrets, or anger. probably both. or maybe im pissed at myself.

mood wasnt great after recess. cause i reflected, about the term. somehow i'd manipulated myself into thinking i could be so lucky once again. but was proven to be wrong. should have known it.

studied homeecons (but forgot like everything today) and realised that fats dont protect your organs. they dont keep you warm, they are just there to make you feel bad at yourself, hidden in your body, not wanting to get out.

Maybe it was because i just wanna escape.

2007-05-13T11:42:00.000+08:00

/if only things would be that simple.

JUBILATE on friday was nice (;
hahah, was with wanyee for like FIFTEEN hours. WOW

glad regrets didnt come as much as last year. probably ive come to accept that facts?

i was thinking. thinking about what spurred me to spend the whole afternoon later to study.
i guess i really dont want to see those horrid marks with lousy Bs and i dont want to have regrets not putting my best anymore. but those words i heard made me even more motivated. 'aiyah, you surely can one lah' it got me thinking. have i been giving them the wrong impression? everytime i do my homework, they say im hard working. everytime i study, they say the same thing. but what they dont know is that i was actually trying to cram everything into my mind last minute. they havent seen the change, but im not the one i was before. ive been thinking about this since last night. then i thought, i dont want to let anyone down anymore. i dont them to have the wrong impression of me. i want to be who they think of me. and so ive decided.

realised i dont exactly like playing the piano when there arent jazz/blues to play :/
hahah, the urge to play piano disappear when i sit to start. grrrr.

2007-05-09T21:48:00.000+08:00

something wrong.
i'm like laughing, laughing and LAUGHING for no good reason.
HAHAHAH.

okay, anyway. meeting qingying&jayme was great ;D i mean i meet jayme everyday, but still. it's DIFFERENT (: was the highlight of my day! too bad it was only a short time- because of mathsolympiadtraining, which was boring, as usual. and that reminds me. some charleney- or however it is spelt- person called me during the session. HAHAH, i was like charlene-y?! and it turned out she was from some bank introducing some platinum thing. hahah! risked my phone for some crap.

LAUGHING MOOD.
MADNESS.

2007-05-07T17:24:00.000+08:00

i'm very very sorry,
wanyeezhuangyunrachaeltheresa
for all the effort.
BUT I SCREWED EVERYTHING UP D:

2007-05-01T19:10:00.000+08:00

haha, shall learn from kylie and Appreciate those who helped me in one way or another. and so the thank you list. here goes

1. i'd like to thank our ever-so-patient coach for taking so much of his time training us, and being so paient though we're also slacking and chatting

2. i'd like to thank dajiujiu for fetching us for every training, two times a week, and bearing with our dilly dally-ing

3. i'd like to thank jiejie for those ever so encouraging words she used to moivate us.

4. i'd like to thank korkor for pushing us train when the test was nearing, and for correcting our strokes and teaching us his best way

6. i'd like to thank aunty for helping me sew and tighten my pyjama, even the last minute rush, when i borrowed my cousin's when we found out mine disappeared just the day before.

7. i'd like to thank the whole family, in fact for wishing us all the best and encouraging and supporting us all the way

8. lastly, i'd like to thank mummypapapjiejiekorkordajiujiu for going down to give us support on 20072904

AND ALSO, i'd like to thank Kylie and Kai Tien for being with me taking the test (: and for the support, while taking the test. (kylie, i hope this is a better reason then what YOU gave ME ;p)

this is seriously. like that was some major exam, when it wasnt AT ALL.
but am feeling lame and HAHAH he's doing the same for no good reason.

2007-05-01T17:26:00.000+08:00

i thought i wont come online, but hahah, am here.
anyway, four of us are like here, supposedly to study. but they all like went out without telling us. so its more like a gaming room then a study session. HAHA.

anyway. a few comments about yesterday

1. i hate the fact that they made us SPELL words in maths. and therefore people like me had marks minus-ed off because im born a poor spell-er.

2. i want my SIX marks for Chinese. - though it'll still be like 12 marks behind the class highest. but still. someone here stupidly left a two-mark question blank the answer a guessed IN MY HEAD was correct. but i thought the question was damn lame and so left it blank. stewpid.

3. I HATE STANDING BROAD JUMP LIKE I DONT KNOW WHAT.i dont need that to remind me of the fact that im short and fat and so cant jump. improved in every other item- FOR NOTHING.

FREAK.

okay, back to, erm, studying :/

left with memorising the remaining of physics, translating the stupid Chinese, ~~damn~~ logbook, Chinese tuition work, and The Essay.

and oh, i forgot to add that i now look like a retard.

2007-04-29T19:30:00.000+08:00

/you dismiss them like they're nothing

but it actually hurts

i think i can almost hear the laughter i heard 5 weeks ago

it suddenly feels as if i've so much things to do. and am not doing anything either. i wonder when will Charlene actually wake up from her dream that should have ended weeks and months before.

the only plus point, we all passed :D

but this isnt the happiest thing ti think of either ;/

maybe its just that im too easily forgotten.

maybe its just that ive proven to be so insignificant.

shit. will fail standingboardjump tomorrow.

freak, my favourtie word for the third week going.

down, down, down it goes\

2007-04-24T21:02:00.000+08:00

ambitions;

desires;

regrets;

2007-04-23T17:55:00.000+08:00

this is no good at all.
firstly, ive been online like all day. and im afraid my eyes will just pop out and die.
and i took the whole morning and early afternoon to do the maths homework and i am not done with it. Hopefully this will remind me to stop stoning in class.i hate the timetable lah. maths is always on the same time slot. gahhh ><
thirdly. ive been eating like a pig since morning. some anorexic people from some website i saw will just die if they were me for a day.
fourthly. ive completed almost nothing at all.
finally. thinking about all these make me sick. but am not doing anything to improve the situation
was supposed to swim today. then the stupid rain came. ohwells. am probably going tomorrow after another frightening visit. maybe. but i have to, cause think im skipping the last practice on friday.

somehow, i keep listening to mychemicalromance. played cancer over and over again. my ears seem to hate it more each time i play. but i still continue :/ hahah. its nice.

okayokay, i shall force myself to complete some work like nowwww. sheesh.

2007-04-22T23:34:00.000+08:00

/sometimes little things do get the better of me

havent been here for a few days. hahah, actually had deleted the previous post (cause it sounded wrong) and have decided to write one again (: anyway last week went pretty much okay. a couple of highlights.
monday. orange bowl. went to the, erm, home. wasnt a real nightmare, but wasnt a pleasant one either :/
tuesday. orange bowl. blocked nose thing came about before piano when i was blowing my nose like how many times! she thought i'd cried. hahah.
wednesday. orange bowl! made a record of going to the toilet like SIX times :p heheh. maths portfolio! and i proved to be the world's WORST origami maker, or whatever its called. the second time i just couldnt understand the instructions and the second time kialin helped me out. oops. haha, thankyou sooo much yeah? :D went supporting cross country for the second time in two years. ended quite early, but reached home like two hours after. could have taken 67 like straight home. but nobody was walking out and mum didnt want me walking out alone, in a place i aint too familiar with. so had to take the bus which took a freaking long to arrive to ang mo kio mrt and then took the train with yiinghuey(: home. had the crying feeling too, and couldnt breathe well when i sat. so i stood to breathe innnnnn.
thursday. orange bowl yet again! yesyes, its sinful, i know :/haha. homeecons disaster. well, its just that she cares a little too much. but still, i remember the fact that she talked so much our chicken burnt >< couldnt cheer during house meeting boohooo.
friday. tested vanessa ting xie during recess (: but it was like embarrassing cause i learnt those words last year and couldnt read like alot of them. whoops. and she could like memorise so many of the sentences?! stood up to answer a question in the morning just after i'd poped a STREPSILS in my mouth. my heart almost skipped a beat :p maths olympaid training allowed me to skip footdrills. and so i havent timed.
am so dead the next time around.sheesh.
saturday. ndp training for the first time. they'd called me and have decided not to drop out (: dont know what will happen to my tuition ): it ended like wayyyy later than expected and had to rush for campfire. which reminds me of one particular item which the singing was totally off and couldve hurt the ear. ouch. but the host really put in a lot of effort,quite obviously. cute.
sunday. swam like 2hours in the morning. he was correcting us and apparently there was alot to correct :/ haha, wish us luck on sunday! :p walked round the whole of clementi area to find the shop to thread eye brows. cause she needs it for sfy. and of course, i did it too (: was painful. very. hadnt noticed tears clogged up in my left eye until i opened it and suddenly all rolled down. i got a shock! after that i didnt bother controlling :p had like a whole damn lot of stray hair.
He's back! like after 5 days. thankyou jayme's dad for the lift on the three mornings. he drove REAL fast. like fifteen minutes to reach school. WOW.
And i thank the class of '06 for tomorrow's holiday. cause i intend to complete alot of things tomorrow :D so am prolly not coming online,'cept for during stuff I Intend To Complete (:

just too bad ive only got seven days a week, twenty four hours a day

2007-04-16T20:36:00.000+08:00

It was almost mentally torturing.
i stuck to ~~people~~. i mean classmates, of course,
throughout the whole time.
99.9% no contact. though a little sad and an eye opener,
it was total freakiness.
especially for someone like me :/

2007-04-15T10:49:00.000+08:00

/she who plays solitaire

Turn away,
If you could get me a drink
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me in all my favorite colors,
My sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.

Now turn away,
'Cause I'm awful just to see
'Cause all my hairs abandoned all my body,
Oh, my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo
But counting down the days to go
It just ain't living
And I just hope you know

That if you say (if you say)
Goodbye today (goodbye today)
I'd ask you to be true (cause I'd ask you to be true)

'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you

2007-04-12T17:40:00.000+08:00

maybe its time to really face the facts, though i've learnt not to have high hopes for anything anymore.

sometimes there's nothing else i can do,
except to stare, and ask myself
was that my best shot,
or maybe it could have been slightly better?

~~i'm afraid, that you'd be gone, forever~~

i'm sorry.

2007-04-10T13:48:00.000+08:00

no no no,

no more fears of public speaking.

but i do fear monday.

i'm afraid they'll hold my hand.

i'm afraid i'll freak out.

i'm afraid i'll be afraid D:

i'd thought we'd go to an old folks' home.

i'd thought it was bad enough.

but this is far from being better than an old folks' home.

she says she'll save us, i hope she does.

im not discriminating of ostracising anybody in any way.

it's just, erm, natural.

I'M SORRY it is the way it is.

its just, a natural phobia ):

you asked me not to leave.

so i waited,

only to see you go

2007-04-09T17:21:00.000+08:00

then there was silence,
because they cant seem to hear.

2007-04-08T13:52:00.000+08:00

yesterday's lesson saw four people, and it made me realise how STIFF and TURNED IN i have become >< just a few stretchings and i'm having muscle aches. gahh. looks like i've got new resolutions for this two terms:/ concert in june next year! and i hope she'll be sending the exam pics soon :D
swimming yesterday was abit dumb. he like called us back to practice with people who arent going for any test and who are failing their timings. and like how do we train with them ?! borrowed his pyjama cause i didnt mine and he didnt need them. but hell, it was like SUPERRR huge. the sleves were like almost three quarters down my arms(he's like a head taller than me). but i did pass the second time around (: haha, finally am confident i can get this over and done with on first try.
think im like going to start ipw noww. we're like quite dead. its such a waste of time anyway.

2007-04-06T23:07:00.000+08:00

/yes, humans do have a natural bias.

He's soon to be three. tomorrow, in fact.

she says he'll have a strong command in chinese, because he can absorb

i asked, we didnt absorb enough when we were younger?

she says, no, we didnt teach you.

i said, ooh. you spoke english right. means we didnt absorb enough english. so am now bad at both.

she said, ya, its what you choose to learn. y'all chose to learn all the short forms, there nothing i can do.

leaning point: children should be born smart so they will know what they should learn from the people around them from young.

but i feel like telling her, not everybody is born smart you know, and i think you ought to know that it's your genes i have, in case you havent realised.

questions to be answered not at home.

2007-04-05T16:59:00.000+08:00

She caught me doodling and called my name.

time's passing so quickly, when i dont want it too.

2007-04-04T20:32:00.000+08:00

CONGRATULATIONS, KYLIE ! :D

im like so happy, cause i imagine myself being there and WOW, imagine hearing the result after like weeks and weeks of hard work. haha. am happy for her (:

2007-04-03T22:27:00.000+08:00

/something's telling me to keep on moving, though i've already lost half the battle.

shitt. stupid chinese tomorrow. im like trying to translate so much stuff and they come out all wrong. and i dont know how im going to memorise whatever crap ive written. am writing all the wrong examples. plus geog tomorrow too :/

and i not dead or what.

i think im a sadist or something. were watching the happy tree friends and everyone else were screaming at the disgusting leg being CHOPPED off with blood gshing out. and i was sitting there like nothing happened -.-

honestly, i didnt feel a thing.

damnit, i stinkkk.

2007-03-31T23:56:00.000+08:00

Detached from the world

a feeling i've grown used to.

The Art Of Keeping The Mouth Shut.

you pulled me away from the world,

then left me alone on my own.

2007-03-30T23:39:00.000+08:00

/misunderstandings; miscommunications

was doing this and it now looks weird.
but nevermind, cause she's going to sleep
so off i go.
BYE.

attention seeker
yes, that's who you are\
because i entertain no more,

2007-03-30T22:40:00.000+08:00

/somehow ive got this feeling

she thinks she'll see me running back to her

once again,

i was shaking

like crazy.

im wondering why she said 'just because youre in guides'. is she trying to really admit that people really do look down on guides. that we really have to do so much to prove ourselves. that its not one cca people look up upon, like some sport and such. that it itself is such a loser cca. i was thinking, maybe me myself dont really think it this way. at least not anymore. not after a year ~~being stuck here~~

And yes, she sucks. as in a different one. i mean you wont be what you are if she hadnt gone. i was simply asking something, because i wasnt sure, not unpolitely either, and you had to answer with suck sickening tone of pride and damnit. you do you think you are anyway. again i wonder. whose respect have you gained?

2007-03-28T16:30:00.000+08:00

/for all that's worth

perhaps it actually more than those depressing happenings

yada yada. those excuses and lies.

2007-03-26T17:23:00.000+08:00

/just letting it go all too wrong

you discouraged.

when i could have the confidence.

my sense of humour is not lost.

but sometimes enough is enough

there's a limit, dont you understand

~~or dont you even care, so long as you've fun~~

i didnt expect it to be this way

the closest one hurt the most

maybe its just like sometimes

the safest place is the most dangerous one.

i think it's a coincidence. i'd written

'we should learn that relationships will not be the same,

after the trust between is betrayed once before'.

i guess it's true.

should stop falling into this.

over and over again.

for the first time, the tears really did drop

2007-03-24T17:07:00.000+08:00

Is that not discrimination or what.

2007-03-22T19:37:00.000+08:00

failing to succeed
succeed in failing

failing three times in four days is more than enough
and i sense this is just the beginning
there's more to come.

cant believe it's like tomorrow
was thinking about mid last year just a few days ago
was like couldnt be bothered to remember any of the steps
and now, its' like tomorrow
so it's been a year now.
feelings last week: ohmygod, it's next week ?!?!
now: oh yeah, so it's tomorrow.
doesnt make sense, does it.
well, nothing ever does these days anyway.

i Dont Want Sewing.
it would be a miracle if i pass
and as far as i'm concerned,
chances of miracles happening are close to nil.
I Want Mep laah.

Pain & regrets
Those reoccurring thoughts

2007-03-17T09:12:00.000+08:00

/turnaway

will start chinese tuition later. haha. and their house will be like a tuition centre, with three of them having maths&science and me chinese.
ive been asking for one since last year. or was it two years ago?
it'll be so embarrassing. she wants to see whatever chinese stuff i've got and they're all worse than horrid :/
i remember the time in p4. i managed to persuade my mum to let me have chinese tuition with weiting. we'll be there copying every ting xie. and she'll start the worksheet from the back, and i'll do the front then we'll start copying eath other's. hahah. we were was fond of cheating then. really. hahaha :p but those were the fun times (:
but this time is one-to-one, and hmm, how fun can it get?
we'll see.

ps/ qingying, sorry. this time its Five-page long :/

2007-03-16T17:15:00.000+08:00

/no, dont do it for me anymore

have been trying to get started on the logbook since 4.45.
tsk. it really silly lah. but ive done half of it nonetheless(:
this holidays, well, was okay i guess. and i can conclude that i'd rather have a whole list of homework than like just what, 3 or 4 pieces? but at least ive accomplished some stuff. though not alot, it's still better than nothing right ?
anyway i think my pathetic life will become an even more pathetic one. but whatever.
ive decided to stop focusing on the wrong stuff and am determined to get those grades up even if it means leading a boring life. well, maybe and. im not going to be who i dont want to be. so i shall stop wasting my time from now on. And. im gonna show them i want it just as badly as They want it. cause apparently i dont think anybody thinks i do, and theyre doubting if i can. so yeah, i going to prove myself ;D

ps/ okay, this post sounds weird. cause im bored and therefore crappy.
but theyre real, and i mean it

2007-03-09T10:04:00.000+08:00

/standing on nowhere

because i couldn't be bothered to TRY and understand whatever she was teaching on Friday, i have no choice but have to teach myself maths. but it appears to be failing. haha

i get your reply when you benefit\

2007-03-08T14:10:00.000+08:00

/let it wash away my sanity

my conclusion: elearning is dumb.
like making us stone in front of the com for so long,
with a damn lot of work
my eyes need a break !
and this technical problem will cause a retard like me
have problems completing everything.
i'm serious okay.
yes, i know i'm slowww D:
for once, i'd rather go to school

2007-03-07T21:54:00.000+08:00

/the smiles stop coming. even those fake ones.

omg. like3 days and 16 days respectively
zero and two more lessons.

i know i'm weird. but i dont need those exaggerating facts\

2007-03-07T16:48:00.000+08:00

/while the time goes tick tock tick tock

had wasted my time away
i know however satisfied they are wont matter much
for i know it's me whom i've let down

an even greater source of motivation somewhere. down there \

it went wrong. with a big BIG hole

2007-03-04T19:19:00.000+08:00

she lied to us again.

it was obvious she had it planned

and neither is ths the first time

but i thought it would be different this time around

I AM DISGUSTED. at the way she doesnt care

2007-03-04T11:30:00.000+08:00

/because you speak the past

it all seems normal and superficial
but when i happen to think deeper into it,
it's emotionally overwhelming.
the cause of moodiness?

the result of a weak foundation\

2007-03-03T15:10:00.000+08:00

/because i come to realise i've got my own rights too

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive.

Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men
You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

ps/ qingiyng, sorry for the four-page sms

2007-03-03T09:13:00.000+08:00

whoa.
i guess i've forgotten the feeling you get when every piece of homework is done with effort.
it's nice

2007-03-02T21:54:00.000+08:00

/these wounds wont seem to heal

haven't really been blogging this week. i feel guilty just by coming online for fun. especially with those disgustingly awful results. i mean in the past, it was about passing tests well. but now, take home econs and the comprehension test for example, i was desperately trying to find questions i think might be correct just to convince myself it'll pass. yes, it 's pathetic, i know. and i didn't even know what verbs are and will lose marks in all the two-mark questions for that compre. another thing adding to my depressing life is the fact that i found out i'm barely passing Chinese. okay, i am embarrassed. i think my soon-to-be-three-year-old cousin will speak better Chinese than me in no time. He like understands so much it's making me intimidated :/
guides today wasn't quite as nice. with the forum so suffocating and it was one of the few times i didn't like foot drill. and the test's a goner. i didn't hand in the paper, for that matter. seems like I'm back at this failing thing again.
no swimming, because of the rain, i think. but we've always been like swimming in the rain and damn cold water? but well, i think it's good in a way. after these few weeks, i think i've changed my opinions about swimming on Fridays, after guides. it's like super troublesome for my dad. without swimming, i can go home on my own if he cant make it. and i dont really see a point lah. cannot chiong for 100m, and i dont think i ever passed since this night thing started. i want it on a different day. i want it at a different venue. i like having lessons with them, but if it means having soo much inconvenience, then i dont know? and she just suggested i stop after April's test. this is like really really extreme.
back to today. i was looking forward to coming back earlier but apparently they didnt care. even about the fact that my jiejie is at home waiting for her dinner. it was frustrating okayy. first we were waiting for Him to finish eating. then the whole world was waiting for the whole world to cut the cake without singing a song . (it was her birthday ytd). and then i was so shocked when they started to make coffee. the talking went on and on. i told her ' it's past dinnertime, like just in time for supper already lah' she was like okay wait never mind. like wth. then they took forever to be willing to leave and i was super annoyed okay. it's not only because of This. but it shows that ~~she~~ doesnt really care. maybe i wont feel the same way of she treats everybody the like this. but i bet if it were HIM, she might even rush off before the cake is cut. damn. ~~fruck.~~

chocolate intake : 0g for the past two days
(but ate half a piece of brownie this morning and two different slices of Chocolate cakes just now :p )

there's just too much that time cannot erase\

2007-02-22T17:36:00.000+08:00

I Promise To Do My Best.

i figured it might never be too late (:

16 and 29 days respectively.

no, i'm not leaving myself with nothing.

2007-02-22T16:54:00.000+08:00

/endings are never nice

i didnt know there was a cat around us in the morning until we were told after that. but thiankfully i didnt see it, or i'd have been the only one freaking out. the dog frightened me last year. hahah. but they brought the cat into the class. like eewww.
it wasnt nice wearing guides u for home econs, especially with Her as the teacher :/
just found out yesterday that ive got to miss lesson on saturday again. its like v frustrating okay. and i know for sure i WAS unclear of the free movement work because i missed lessonS for it. but i cannot even like go abit later this sat, cause i missed last friday's session and like missed what they edited to the item. dammit.
and they will all be there celebrating while i will be stuck There. okay, maybe not celebrating and they might just coop up in the room using the com. but still it'll definitely be much fun-er there than There.
it'll be my first time There cause i didnt want to go last year. and my mum allowed (: also had swimming then. but it's different this year. a part of me wants to go, but it'll be much better if it starts later, or even much much much better if it's on a different day.
hm,i think i'm in a crappy mood now lah. hahah.

2007-02-20T17:13:00.000+08:00

/and i realise neither of it wil be part of reality

she doesnt understand that sometimes tears do come down naturally.
but it's emotions at that point in time. and anyway,
i dont think it is wrong to fear something.
i mean i'm sure you're afraid of something too.
but then, maybe i should have been used to it :/

even hundreds of them wont make a difference\

2007-02-20T11:07:00.000+08:00

as it was, yesterday was absolutely boringg.
except that they came so late and went back in the wee hours of this morning
and now we're late for a visit
and she's like so stressed out for god knows what reason
HAHAHAH

we dont need comparison\

2007-02-19T10:44:00.000+08:00

/our voices drowned in the silence

Deleted all of last year’s posts on Thursday. Felt as if I was trying to erase the past,
erm. Vday was nice(: and was when we went to the mpr for lessons for some reason. Hopefully theyre feeling better now.
Total defence day wasn’t as great. Had gastric, of all days, for like the whole morning. And I learnt to appreciate the fans in the classroom. Haha.
Just two days made me realize how awful a sitting partner I am. Sorry for forgetting those handouts ):

First day of Chinese New Year was abit boring. Like stoning at usual three places before going back to my cousins’ place where we finally had the com, and where we’re most comfortable at.
I’ve got this feeling today will be worse :/
Somehow the qi fen isn’t felt.

Thank You for trying for me, and standing by me when we’re always the OddOnesOut.

Neither here not there\

And theyre being irritating and we cant get irritated

2007-02-13T20:50:00.000+08:00

/those false pretense

ahh. will flunk bio

shall fail chinese tmr

people getting sick

and i hate hfmd

attacking people around me

during cny period

shoo!

wrong impressions\

2007-02-12T19:41:00.000+08:00

omg.

im seriously fat

i dont think you know what i mean.

but i'm going on a anti sweets and chocolates diet

one which i've tried but failed so many times ><

2007-02-09T21:42:00.000+08:00

/those contradicting words make me doubt you

this week past quickly. and am still unable to focus. plus had to stay up last till like midnight to complete home econs the other day. and didnt understand a single thing about chinese lit. and she had to make us stand and blagh. she made me feel so bad and guilty lah.but she made me like reflected?
and oh, history was a mess too. im like always regretting not studying for history D: its always seems to boring and easy to read the textbook but my mind goes blank during the tests. like everything's so familiar but i just cant recall and damn answer.
like it was embarrassing enough to stand in up in class and she had to do that to us during guides >< arghh
swimming went as usual. had the stupid towing thing again. but i think the headline news will be 'rescuer drowns with victim laughing' if kylie were to save me or vice versa. haha. it was really ticklish okayy. but at least there wasnt like muscle aches or cramps today(:

and she said 'never put yourself in a situation where you dont have a choice' yes, i wont. so i'll work hard :D

2007-02-07T17:16:00.000+08:00

I DONT KNOW WHAT ON EARTH I AM DOING HERE WHEN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING THE FREAKING HOME ECONS.
or maybe spending my time more wisely. dammit.
as if barely making the mark isnt bad enough, maybe i should start FAILING every single thing before i learn my lesson.

me pleading with myself : JUST FOCUS IN CLASS OKAY ?

maybe i should learn to be depressed when i see those test papers.
maybe i should learn to be competitive, with myself
nothing is working working and i feel too relaxed for my own good.
maybe even doing the logbooks will be better than stoning.
NOW I FEEL LIKE SOME PSYCHO
must those mistakes always be made?

i now see the little confidence you had in yourself.
but i still think youre perrfect and well, at least youre not antisocial, like some people HERE.
i still feel lonely deep inside.
for who will be there ?
to share joys and sorrows and be through thick and thin with ?

i dislike myself for who i was. and for who i am.

2007-02-06T19:29:00.000+08:00

attempts to feel more stressed have all but succeeded :/
plus today's bio test, or graded assignment, as they call it was a goner
it was more like some guessing game for me
damn.

2007-02-02T23:14:00.000+08:00

/why must you be so close to perfection?

past this week without blogging though i came online supposedly to research on some stuff. the outcome wasnt quite that way. but still :p
found out the disadvantage of sitting at the back of the class with the door open on tuesday. it wasnt quite a pleasant experience :/
wednesday. she thought my partner was the only one in the group whose skirt is too tight. but i'd actually sewn it before the lesson(: haha. made it about ONE cm bigger : oh, i didnt mean i sew it personally. anyway i obviously grew fatter lah. and i realised i'm the only one still struggling with the dance. maybe i shouldnt really have chosen it. the character dance might have done fine. and i messed up the free movement and charater exercises. like just forogt everything. but abit the last time i did free movement was about three weeks before LAST year ended. oh well, tomorrow'd better go fine. it'll be rushed again. and we should have gone to the science centre last week. and now we've to go with some dont know what class like next term.
played the games today. went somewhat okay. though it didnt start out right. since i wasnt informed of anything at all. and she didnt bother to tell me anything too :/ but still it was nice (:
today was the first time it didnt rain on friday. though it was most definitely COLD. like i was still feeling so cold after the first lap. and today was also the worse experience on the three friday swimmings. my right tight muscle hurt for i dont know what reason and i tried using my left leg only. it wasnt successful as my right leg still hurt and the left calf got like cramps. and both legs hurt and he didnt care. then it became so damn cold nearing to the end. and the wind was so strong i was shivering in the water. plus we even had to get out of the water to throw the stupid board. did a new kind of towing with the oyjama pants. but i think a BIG FAT KING KONG will pull me into the water instead of me saving himwhichever method i use can. and there will be a headline news 'lifeguard(if i ever become one, which is quite unlikely) drowns while attempting to save weak drowning swimming'. -.- haha.

2007-01-28T09:09:00.000+08:00

/i was standing beside you but felt alone
i wanted to walk away but couldnt do it
maybe i shouldnt have really trusted you again
maybe i should have given up
maybe i should stop letting you pull me away from the rest
or that was what i thought yesterday.
now, i just want to know your thoughts.

went to national stadium last night for the singapore and malaysia match
it was mostly amusing at first. kylie and i were like cheering and then asked 'what's going on?'
there was this gate in front of us so we were like bending up and down to see the ball.
their sit below was perrfect. but nevermind
there was only like one small sector of malaysian fans.
and about the rest were all singapore fans.
abit like pity them. the whole stadium was jeering at them
esp during the penalty kicks
they got agressive and made created trouble at one point.
but i think i'd be intimidated if i were them too.

/sometimes i fear the sound of HOME.

2007-01-27T08:31:00.000+08:00

/thosethoughts shoud stop, in my opinion
they're making my mind wandering too far during lessons
i dont think i can continue doing this

swim ytd. was raining so he talked and talked again.
but we did stuff like erm learning to throw the board to victims.
but still had go into the water in the end.
was like so damn cold lah.
and it started raining again while we were swimming
and so we swam in the rain (:

anyway this week went okay..
but i think too much chocolates have been eaten : haha
and maybe i should be paying more attention in class
cause i think i'd just DIE at this rate
but, hmm, i think i shouldnt be feeling okay right now.
considering that i'm not passing anything well :/

2007-01-20T15:40:00.000+08:00

/cause you know we'll make it through. we will.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRACE! :D

went swimming last night afer guides. thought id be training for the test i missed on 17dec o6 but it turned out was during some life saving course or something. and he was talking so much lah. like we have to be seiours now, that we have to read the book on theory at home. and blah blah blah.
read the logbook i didnt pass only today, after getting it for more than 7 days. am actually quite glad i didnt pass. its weird. but i find it totally awful and horrible. i mean even if i pass, it should be based on something better, right?

ahh. gotta go. back to the boring life of homework.
and probably will be watching the show theyre going to watch soon.

is it coincidence or what. everyone's writing the same thing :/

/just keep holding on ; be strong

2007-01-12T22:24:00.000+08:00

havent had a great start :
will be missing ballet yet again tomorrow. but like please it isnt all great and here i am missing soo many lessons when we have like less than 20 more to go, i think :/
the rain spoilt my friday ): was supposed to be going swimming after guides. its the only time slot we are left with since all three of us have got different schedules. had been looking forward to it, especially even more so when guides was like so relaxed. i mean like at least we werent under the sun or something.
and oh yes. i forgot to mention that i grew ONE CENTIMETER in a year, which is apporximately about ZERO POINT ZERO EIGHT CENTIMETER a month. okay, i'm not at all proud of this.
went to the dentist yesterday and have to put like a rubber band. have to take it out before eating cause i cant chew properly with it. and there i was standing at the sink during recess trying to unhook it from the hook INSIDE for the upper jaw and looking like a disgusting freak digging into my mouth :/
have been dreaming and staring alot, again. the best time for this is during chinese lit. it's like so Boring. i TRIED paying attetion, but went off dreaming less than 5 minutes after every time i tried. plus, they decided not to give us handouts, which is like totally crap. and she refused to go back to the previous slide when we havent finished copying, saying we can go to the web for it and blablablah. okay, so why not they just dont teach at all and let us go to the web and learn by ourselves? isnt it so much easier? i copied some stuff from the first slide and decided not to anymore. anyway im like right at the back and cannot see clearly, especially when there were like so many words in a slide.
i havent mentioned my form teacher actually speaks in CHINESE to us. she said she have been asked to by the school to help us improve on our chinese. so now i have like cme and ve and whatever pc periods she takes in CHINESE. gosh, i cant speak to her properly and it makes me feel weird. i mean i speak to her in broken chinese and will think of the right way to say it only after ive spoken to her :/ just so hopefully it will really improve.
but its nice im sitting right at the back, despite my height : D
okay, i chose the sit myself. but still.

just have to clear up some stuff\

2007-01-05T22:58:00.000+08:00

/the attraction has grown so much stronger

Just came back from sec one orientation campfire not too long ago. Was great and much better than last years (: well, at least I prefer being a game master or whatever than being a sec one sitting there. Hopefully theydenjoyed themselves (:
Will miss ballet tomorrow. Hopefully, again, I wont be missing anything really important. Its like bad enough and of I miss some more, I think Im like so going to die. I want THAT on the cert okayyy. Were going to have abt less than 2o more lessons before the exam! Ahhh. And I want to cut my hair after the exam. Like its so damn awful can. The fringes weird and long. The rest like so thick and ugly.
And I also realize I hate singlish had tried to speak proper English in china but like gave up after a day or two. Sill trying, but I seem to be failing real badly ):

/no, thats not the point

2007-01-01T19:10:00.000+08:00

picture taken in CHINA ! (:

my favourite !

i love the bridge, and the story behind it

do we really look alike ? lots of people asked if we're twins -.-

people actually stay in there

a boat ride. it was cold, and niice (:

the view was fab

i forgot who this person is..

Shanghai !

and again.

from high above.

ALISON HAS JUST BEEN ELIMINATED !
gosh, they have a problem
she's like about the best dancer there.
ryan's out, too
but who cares?
he's abit like sore loser.
dont know who'll win now.
cause alison stood a high chance.

& once again,
a HAPPY NEW YEAR (:

2007-01-01T11:14:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR !

have been looking forward to a better year.
but we invited 2oo7 in a dull and boring way
but well, it doesnt really matter, does it ?

/just hoping for a better me (: